This entry by far is going to be the most emotional one.
In my four years of marriage, I was secretly bitter and depressed. Every mother’s day, father’s day, Christmas, and prayer vigils, I am sad if people keep on wishing for a child for us.
I remembered vividly in 2017, I was crying every day whenever my husband will go to work and only stop when I know he is near home. I left my corporate job, gambled freelancing, and spread my self too thin to cover for financial mistakes we did in the past.
In 2018, I was slowly conditioning myself to pursue something else.
Maybe it was not meant to be.
My career blossomed the next year, I was still stressed but decided to be bold. We move out of our family’s house changed our lives.
In October 2019, I enrolled in a wellness program. Aside from the massages, I will have a pray over a session with the spa owner. She was explaining the connection of the reproductive system with my relationship with my mom.
Looking back, I was never close to my mom until we’re adults.
December that year, we committed to taking the supplements seriously. I’ll reserve the scientific bits on another post.
Before the year ends, we made a vision board with lots of baby in it. I got into essential oils, Feng Shui, and fertility yoga.
On New Year’s eve, before eating, we prayed for 2020 to be our year. We were crying over wine.
My period returned in February.
I still feel empty, so I started a journal writing to my imaginary baby.
I write every Monday or when I feel frustrated and bitter.
09 March 2020
I hoped again.
16 March 2020 – FOR MY MIRACLE
When the stars align
I will beam a smile
I’ll treasure you
I’ll cherish you
I’ll teach you
I’ll hold you
I’ll be here for you
The world will be special
because you are
Maybe in the next solstice
You are finally a star
23 March 2020 – #INSPO
Is it today?
Is it next year?
I am not sure
My blood is rushing
I am praying for you
My little angel
01 April 2020
I know it is crazy
But this thought is haunting me
I have a feeling
I do not deserve you
You are just a dream
a product of the norm
a trend for every married couple
Help me see the light
So I won’t dissolve your life
It’s a strange world, my angel
You must be happy and steady
I am just dreaming
Stay until then
I’ll talk to you
in my dreams
27 April 2020
I have lost the count of days
It’s the new normal they said
I cannot spread my wings
I am happy
We are dreaming about you again
It gets exciting
We got chores, pets, and you with us
We pray to settle the finances soon
so we can have you
You were kind to delay your arrival
You are giving us time to be mature and be ready for you
I hope the world heals
so we can show it to you
18 May 2020
I am excited!
I do not know
It feels closer
26 May 2020 – Affirmation
I am healthy
I am capable of carrying a human being
I can sustain a healthy lifestyle
I am a mother
I am pregnant
09 June 2020
I wanted to hurt myself
21 June 2020
It’s father’s day
I am bitter
That was my last entry, it was dark. The thought started to cloud my mind and have decided to tell my husband to settle with pets. We had a heated argument accusing me of not wanting to have a child.
I asked myself, do I want it?
I spoke to my best friend, I said I may have settled to the thought to be happy where I am right now and take the road where it leads me.
One lucky day, I was browsing an eCommerce store. I saw the promo for pregnancy tests. I bought for kits for the next four months that I will be hoping.
24 August – I tried. I was anxious I was expecting a single line and planning to order ovulation kits instead.
I cleaned the toilet, and when I came back, the test was positive.
I ran back to the room, and I woke up my husband. When he opened his eyes, I burst into tears.
I couldn’t believe what I saw.
I was shaking.
He was smiling.
The next day we tried again. The result is still the same.
We booked a doctor’s appointment to confirm before sharing the news.
I am 8 weeks and 6 days today. The baby is healthy.
I feel normal and sound, a good sign.
Vision board works, gratitude works, the law of attraction works, affirmation works, prayer works.
God work’s at his own pace and gives you what you deserve in his perfect time.
I would like to thank all the prayer warriors since Day 1. Your encouragement and kind words helped me cope with the dark times.
To my angel who comforted me when I feel like jumping off the window, thank you for manifesting to a real human that I will take care of for the rest of our lives.
To all PCOS patients like me who secretly wishing for a little one, keep the faith. It is not a NO from the universe, it a YES for a latter time.
I hope this entry inspired you today. Stay tuned for my TTC tips in the next entry.