I am starting to get apathetic of this subject. For years, I do not know why society always equate womanhood to motherhood. Every night I ponder is it really what I want, or it is the same bandwagon shit that everyone wants me to try.
I found no answers.
In those nights, I strayed, I caught myself performing rituals from various cultures summoning a new life I am not sure if meant for me.
What am I trying to say is… I am exhausted from insensitive people around me trying to push something unlikely at the moment. I am not babysitting my hormones to decrease or ordering my eggs not mature at all.
I am not fond of my excessive hair fall, my hyperpigmentation, my weight gain, nor the growing moustache. Include a high sex drive that leaves me feeling unwanted most nights and that coitus became a routine of disappointment because of no matter how often you do it… all you get is a worldly satisfaction, no offspring.
I am sick of those greetings where I will be asked, how long I have been married and why I do not have children yet. The unsolicited tummy rubs as if those hands have magical powers that will instantly make me fertile and after one vanilla night, my baby will be like Koko Krunch.
I am rattled by the suggestions I needed to apprehend about how I should lift my legs up after sex or try different positions for better penetration.
My heart crushed into pieces just trying to let this all in. I kept tabs of my (health) situation, and I do not need to explain it every time. Don’t scold me for still eating rice or skipping the gym. I am trying to be consistent.
In between lucid dreaming, I have painted a picture of a nursery room and a bento lunch; my OOTD every time I will take my kid to school; reading bedtime stories. It is not that we do not want it, the universe has not granted it yet.
I just hope for a second when we meet again, you will not greet me with your insensitive hopes.
I do not want to be bitter, I want to remain hopeful.
The society already slapped me with its standards already. I am human, and I have emotions. I do not hold the timeline.
I wish you will see even I do not a little one or my BMI is beyond usual, I have accomplished some other things in my life and you can still pat my back.
Just smile for me.